Thursday, December 01, 2005

maybe i've had enough...

it really feels like i'm fed up of everything. i feel like doing nothing, going nowhere. i've been taking things slow thinking that maybe i was just tired but today it crossed my mind that maybe i've simply had enough. maybe that's why there's nowhere i want to go, nothing that i want to see, nothing i want to do, nothing i crave to eat and nothing that excites me anymore.

i feel like i've been forcing myself to do things because i ought to but i'm simply not enjoying them as i should. yes, ayutthaya's ruins are incredible. but after 5 temples today and 5 hours of walking/biking i just didn't care to keep on going even though it was only 3pm. actually after the tuktuk night tour yesterday i already had enough of them. it feels like that day in nara, japan, where i just sat in the parc and did not want to move, walk, see temples or smell deers anymore. i was fed up then, but the feeling didn't last long. but this feels deeper.

maybe i'm just tired. i've been on an insomnia bit and i've only slept 4 hours in the past 2 days. but i've been feeling like this since i've arrived in thailand. i was just ignoring it, hopping that it would go away...

but now i don't know. at the temple i sat down on the roots of a tree, eating a grapefruit (yes, i know i don't like them back home but they're really good here) and i kept trying to find out what i wanted. i don't want to stay here. i don't want to leave. i don't want to go home. i don't really want to change country. i don't feel like going to the beach. i'm not excited or interested in taking the diving course i wanted to treat myself to as an early christmas present. i don't want to volunteer or take a course in something.

i don't know how i'm going to solve this thing. i don't know if it's fixable. i don't know what to do.

what a crappy place to be at right now. i've only been travelling for 4 months... i'd hate for it to be over because i can't find the joy in it anymore.

so, anyhow... i will be forcing myself into 5 more temples tomorrow, unless i really can't be bothered after a few. and then i'll have to decide if i really want to go to kanachaburri and see all those war things... more bridges, more graveyards, more museums, or if i go back to bkk early and head down south earlier, even if it's not really appealing either at the moment.

why do i feel like this? this sucks!!!


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