Friday, April 21, 2006

things i will never do before i die

i am bored. no, scartch that. i am very bored.

and so, i've been cleaning. going through my old things and trying to get rid of some of the overwhelming quantity of stuff that i have.

last night, i came accross the 2004 edition of this diary will change your life. as i went through it, i stumbled accross sunday, january 25th. this is one of the very few days that i bother to actually do what was instructed for that day. and so, that day, i was instructed to tick the boxes to come to terms with the fact that i will never do x before i die. and i figured that you, readers, might be interested to know that on that day, i decided that i will never:

read proust (still might happen)
visit buthan (i do want to go there though!)
write that novel/screenplay
become world chess champion
rob a bank
run away
become a queen
parachute
learn russian
live off charity
contract an std (wishfull thinking - who would want that?)
swallow a coin
spend a night in prison
follow this diary religiously
celebrate xmas in may (mom, we might brake that one!)
call your father "pa"
call your mother "ma"
learn the periodic table by heart
work in a coalmine
watch all of bergman
follow mao's teachings
visit space
wear a rucksack (clearly back then i didn't know what that british word meant)
inject heroin
speak in tongues
become a fanatic
dress like a hip-hopper
faint with love
become insensitive to suffering
start a cult
grow a beard
master the yoyo
become a fitness instructor
feel like batman
become a rockstar
stop worrying
confess to a priest
confess to a whore
graffiti a motorway bridge
be drunk during office hours
own an owl
ride a harley
learn to live with gnats
invade a small country
demand a ransom (i seem to recall doing that in at the ontario science centre though!)
proclaim yourself emperor
adopt a romanian
seduce the prom queen
paint someone in tar and feathers
light a fart
give birth to a goatboy
overthrow a regime
understand hitler
race at monaco
marry someone you've never met
discover the lost city of atlantis
see your face on a banknote
own a grotto
host a gameshow
meet santa (i've met plenty of fakes though)
shoot the last buffalo
burn your bra
turn 117 years old
update the kamasutra
marry a prince or a princess
run with the wolves
become pope
inherit the crown jewels
be used as a manga character
grow a tail
crash a helicopter in the jungle
go live with a hermit
greet the extraterrestrial delegation
become a muslim
eradicate hepatitis c
kiss your own lips
shoot the pianist
beat bjorn borg at tennis
break the bank in vegas
suffer a fool gladly
fight the power
be the 78th person on the moon
be called upon by your president (we don't have those here anyway!)
win best-looking baby of the year
fight a duel
jump the gun (don't know why i checked that one)
suck on 12 lollipops at once
have your own brand of olive oil
play the lead in swan lake
catch that bird that pooped on you
loop the loop (what does that even mean?)
witness the mating of flamingoes
confess under duress
walk down the yellow brick road
travel at warp speed
implode
jump on a real bandwagon
run an arms dealership
exterminate a zombie
sniff superglue
become a superhero
memorize an encyclopedia
floss twice a day
make your bank manager beg
lick an electric eel
broker a ceasefire
conduct an orchestra
get drunk on meths
sleep with a whore in babylon
ride a yak (still possible! i'm keeping that one open. mongolia here i come!)
sup with satan
track down lord lucan
cause an intergalactic rift
get away with murder
travel back in time
apologise for existing
appease a dictator
lose your mojo (again, whishful thinking)
face a firing squad
gatecrash the white house
have the midas touch
cure the common cold
own an oilfield
save the whale
discover a new continent
come out of a black hole alive
suck your little toe in public
mate with another species (even though it's legal in sweeden, doesn't mean it's right!)
become possessed
surpass einstein
look like einstein
predict an eclipse
commit arson
talk dirty to a flower
spot the invisible man
undergoe emergency liposuction
regain your virginity
change astrological signs
bring back bambi
write in cuneiform
get fired for being truculent
join the french foreing legion
acheive perfection
spell "egg" differently
win top prise for your verruca
grow a third nipple
spend all your salary on payday
witness the big bang
gerrymander
meet a bolshevik
moult
successfully crash a jumbo jet
fiddle while rome burns
win an oscar
part the red sea
have sex with your clone
know the truth about jfk
rule the world

wow! i've really cut myself out of a lot of things. makes me sound boring, no? well, it would, i guess, if most of these things were not so weird!

but wait - i might still: climb everest, compromise, start a revolution, become grumpy when old, jump bail, bretray (my) country, become an object of worship, run out of tears, etc etc. so don't worry about me!

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